adeth

you don't know how much it pains me to see you cry especially this time when I am the reason.

it's as if my own shadow stabs me a thousand times with a dagger in a form of a letter - the one i wrote a year ago about my first love and how i longed for him... and you did all you can to read the letter this morning.

i warned you didn't i? that the letter would hurt you more than ever.. that the letter would only cause raucus between us. but you still went your way, even went to the CR to read it.

i hated myself, and after you've calmed down, you hugged me and made hushing sounds whenever i apologized..

a thousand apologies will never be enough... i know, i can feel.

when i asked you that if i would say "i love you," would you still believe me?...you said, yes. i was silent for more than an hour, thinking if it was true. and i couldn't cry. why? what right do i have?!

yet you continued to hug me, while all i could ask myself was, "am i even worthy of this?"

when will you stop being nice to me?

that was torture, did you know that? it's guilt, regret and hate all mixed together.

i still hate myself. this wound on my left wrist would stay forever, scarred with time.